I am not exactly feeling well for the past two days. I have the stomach bug and the frequent trips to the bathroom is making me weak. So I thought of listing down thirteen things that would lighten up my gloomy days…
These are some laugh lines from a collection of one of my favorite magazines (Reader’s Digest):
1. Two lawyers set up a partnership and agree to divide all earnings equally. On their first day in business, a man comes in for a simple contract. “That will be $100,” says one of the partners. The client hands over the cash, but unknown to him, there are two bills stuck together. The lawyer is confronted with his first ethical dilemma: Should he share the moeny with his partner?- contributed by Barney Brucker
2. Still groggy from an operation, the patient was in an agitated state. “Nurse,” he moaned, “I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word, and it caused me great distress.” “What did the surgeon say? asked the nurse.
“Oops.”- contributed by Richard Padwell
3. A drunk walked into a lounge. After staring at a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar for ten minutes, he sauntered over to her and kissed her on the mouth. She jumped up and slapped him hard. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I thought you were my wife. You look like her.” “Ugh. Get away from me you worthless, insufferable, no-good drunk!” she yelled. “Wow,” he said. “you even sound like her.”- contributed by Nick Mcconnachie
4. “Pour me a double whiskey, I’ve just had an argument with my wife,” Mike tells Charlie the bartender. “Oh, yeah?” says Charlie. “Who won?” “Put it like this,” says Mike. “When it was all said and done, she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” “Really?” says Charlie. “What did she say?” ” ‘ Come out from under the bed you snivel ling little coward.’ “- contributed by Regina Lally
5. While reviewing future, past and present tense with my Year Nine English class, I posed the question, ” ‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student answered. “Past tense.”- contributed by Reema Rahat
6. Eleven people- ten men and one woman- were clinging to a rope hanging down from a helicopter. They decided one person had to let go or they would all die. The woman gave a touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because females were used to making sacrifices for their husbands and children and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.- contributed by William Boyle
7. I went in to a pet shop and said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” “Do you want an aquarium?” sand the man. “I don’t care what star sign it is,” I said. “Just give me the fish.”- contributed by Stuart Collinson
8. A male and female driver are involved in a horrific collision. Amazingly, they escape unhurt. As they crawl from the wreckage, the man notices that the woman is attractive. She turns to him and gushes, “We shouldn’t have survived that. Maybe it’s a sign that we’re meant to be together.” “And look,” she continues. “Though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine is intact. It’s another sign. Let’s drink to our love!” “OK!” says the man, going with the moment. He drinks half the bottle and hands it back, “Your turn.” “No, thanks,” says the woman. “I think I’ll just wait for the police.”- Anonymous
9. A famous director goes to heaven. “God has the perfect project for you,” St. Peter says. “No,” says the director. “I just want to rest.” “But you’d have a dream crew. Mozart has signed on to write the score. Michelangelo will design the sets, and Shakespeare is hard at work on the screenplay.” “Wow. How can I say no to that? I’m in.” “There’s just one thing,” St. Peter says. “Goad has this buddy who thinks he can act…”- Anonymous
10. These test answers from students beg the question: Are teachers paid too little or too much?
Q: What was the Phoenicians’ gift to the world? A: Phoenician Blinds
Q: What is a mammogram? A: That’s when people get their initials on a towel.
Q: Who is the author of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? A: Dr. Seuss.
- contributed by Pauline Mann, Merle Marsh, Patricia Ryan-Curry, Carol Schott
11. I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our vows. He got so excited- he thought they’d expired.- Rita Rudner
12. Did you hear about the man who went into a book shop and asked where the self-help section was? The sales assistant wouldn’t help him. She said it would be defeating the purpose.- Simon Finkelstein
13. How do you convince a troublemaker not to smoke in airplane restrooms? One attendant on my flight found a way. “Anyone caught smoking in the lavatory,” she announced over the intercom, “will be asked to step outside.”- Terri Willis
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